Paths of Enlightenment are one of the most important aspects of the Sabbat. For a Cainite to give up one path for another is a major change in their unlife. It is not just a matter of exchanging one Hierarchy of Sins for another. It is a change that leads to a moment when the truths of one's existence are turned upside down, and replaced with another set of truths. Without something to replace your old beliefs, you would enter the Wassail. But with training on a new path, a fairly smooth transition from one path to the other comes from this moment of truth...
Carlos speaks... no, he is Deacon ElRojo now... no, he is Carlos, to me. He will fill the void that Tate (always Tate... never High Father Donnivan...) has left... he will become a part of The Fallen tonight...
I have never felt happiness... when suffering is all around, when suffering follows you no matter how far you run, there is no time for happiness... but right now I am content... Tate is gone, following his own course... but Carlos is here, to replace him... no, not replace him... Tate cannot be replaced... but he is gone... and Carlos is here...
This initiation is not the same... again, my thoughts return to Tate... return to a time when I joined The Fallen... return to a time when I seethed silently beneath my mask, watching the spectacle unfold before me... watching Jared fall to his knees in rapture... watching and asking myself why I was here...
Ariadne... "the Sabbat will see me dead, Morgan... but you must continue on... you are too useful to the sect to die here with me... now go, before they find us..." Without Ariadne there was only the emptiness I had felt so many times before... emptiness that cannot be filled... until I came here, and found The Fallen... and found Carlos...
I feel myself loving and hating Tate at the same time... without Tate, I would never have learned so much from Carlos... but without Tate, I would not have given up the memory of Ariadne... yet as I cling to what remains of her teachings, I feel myself sliding slowly away... every night is a chore... I wish to do what I know is right, but I cannot let go of my past... I cling to it, as it is all that keeps the laughter away... the laughter of Cassie, who knows I have failed... the laughter of Ariadne, who watches beyond her grave, and knows that I have failed her... the laughter of the Dark Mother herself, who sees and knows all, and knows especially that I have failed her... I want to move on... then the laughter will end and I will know peace...
Carlos' initiation is complete... I have passed through it in silent contemplation... this is normal, they will think... I have never had much to say... now Carlos holds the chalice... the vaulderie chalice of The Fallen... another of Tate's legacies... the faces on each side have always reminded me of my mask... staring from behind partly veiled eyes... with uncertain intent... yet tonight they stare at me... impassively... something is different... perhaps it is the difference between Tate and Carlos... yes, that must be it...
The words I have heard so many times before reverberate in my head... how many times have I heard them recited? I hardly hear the words anymore... all I know now is what the words bring... for the words bring pain, and pain brings enlightenment... clarity... no matter what else I have learned, the truth of the pain remains...
I do not feel the cold handle of the knife as I take it from Carlos... no, he is Reverend and Deacon ElRojo now... no, he is Carlos, to me... he is my teacher, the one who brought me out of the darkness of heresy and into the light of the truth... soon, I shall be more like him... soon...
I watch in numb fascination as the blade cuts into my dead flesh... now there will be pain... now... there is no pain... NO PAIN?!
I hear laughter... it is Cassie... it is Ariadne... it is the Dark Mother herself... they laugh because the pain has been taken away from me... Tate... Tate, the one who left us, has taught me how to harden myself against attacks... but he did not tell me it would take away the pain...
I feel myself begin to slip... but I remember what Carlos has taught me... the cycle... focus on the cycle... focus on my place... and shut out the laughter... lock it away... lock away Cassie's false righteousness... lock away Ariadne's false whispers... lock away the Dark Mother's false teachings...
In a flash, all is gone... there is only peace... I have passed through my weakness and on to new strength...
Are the others looking at me? Of course they are... I have kept the knife in my wrist for too long... I am somewhere else as I remove the knife and pass it to Ezikiel... I lick the wound, though I will not taste...
And now I will not feel...
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